YOU MUST HAVE DOUBT, IN ORDER TO BELIEVE
Doubt and belief are two sides of the same coin, aren’t they? Doubt is there to pull you down, making you think you’re not good enough and belief is there to build you up, reminding yourself that you’re perfect the way you are. Interesting really. I fucking hate doubt, don’t get me wrong, but it’s necessary isn’t it?
Without doubt, there is no belief. Maybe there would be but what the fuck would be the point? You would just be living your status quo lifestyle, moving in any direction you want because you can. You don’t need belief any more, you just point in a direction and go. But isn’t doubt needed? Don’t we need it to fuel us, help drive us forward and set us apart from others? Don’t we need doubt for belief to be effective?
THE EFFECTIVENESS OF BELIEVING
You hear no a lot in this industry. I’ve been creating for a decade now and I haven’t exactly heard a lot of no’s but I don’t hear any fucking yes’s that’s for sure. I don’t hear no enough, because I don’t put myself out there. I don’t put myself in the position to hear no.
One reason I like to work as an independent is that I can do what I want. It’s my film, I’m leading the team and I’m the decision maker. I write what I know I can film and then I go film it. There is nobody to reject me because I don’t allow it. Except when it comes to festivals. I still have to get past those fucking gate keepers, now don’t I?
I could skip the festivals, but what’s the fun in that. I want to get in, go, promote our film and enjoy the experience with everyone involved. I want to live in that moment and I believe someday I will. I’ve been denied from festivals so many times, it’s not even worth counting anymore. Hell, I was just denied two weeks ago. I brushed it off and moved on with my day.
Without getting rejected from festivals, I don’t think I would have this drive to keep going, eventually achieving that next level. Yes, I will achieve that next level. I believe it in all my heart. I think I’m a good filmmaker with the drive and motivation to become great if that’s what I so choose. I believe I have that in me and it only comes at the expense of doubt, as long I don’t ever succumb to it.
DON’T SUCCUMB TO DOUBT
If I had to guess, I doubt myself on average 10 times a week and that’s only as it relates to film. It’s usually something small that happens, a conversation, a thought, I watched something, heard something, whatever that creeps up and plants a seed. That seed grows and next thing you know, I’m on the verge of a fucking panic attack because I don’t think I can accomplish what I’m setting out to do. I’m my own worst enemy at times.
Last week I met with one of the actresses of our film and I was filled with doubt following the conversation. It was one of those talks where you can’t really get a good read on the other person so you're left questioning a lot of things, mostly yourself. I honestly felt stupid, in the conversation and afterwards. It wasn’t great and not something I wanted to feel.
This doubt that crept up is not by any means the other person's fault. This is my own, overactive brain, doing what it does best, make shit up. It’s a gift and a curse.
This doubt took me a few days to overcome, but the important part is that I DID overcome it. I had to remember that I like the story, I like the vision and I think we’re going to make a great movie. That is ALL that matters. I believe and will continue to do so. I didn’t succumb to the doubt, I kept moving forward and will continue to do so.
Doubt is never going away. Embrace it as a friend when it arrives, shake its hand and say welcome. Then quickly kick it in the balls, dropping it to its knees and laugh in its face. Say I’m better that this, I’m better than you. Scream at the top of your lungs, I’m great and will continue to fight. Thanks for the reminder, you son of a bitch. Thank you.